Do you still miss her?
by FanaRain
Summary: A response would've been a 'yes', but there's something different about this question, this tone. For Emogust 2019 prompt. First story ever written, please go easy on me! One-shot.


_**Hello! This is my first ever writing (I hadn't written anything before this), so please go easy on me! This was written for prompts created by Tumblr users mintchocolateleaves and sup-poki called Emogust 2019, and the prompt is Life/Death Swap. Please enjoy!**_

_**I do not own anything but my own imaginations, and even then it still ain't mine. **_

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"Do you still miss her?"

It is spoken so casually a response would be a straight-up 'yes', though there is a pause because it brings up memories buried deep within, memories which they would only let emerge within their dreams, and in essence, nightmares. Etched so deep in their minds they would rather distract themselves with something life-related continuously than see _her_ memory, _her_ smile, _her_ kindness as clearly as if _she_ is still there before them, otherwise they would not be able to go forward, so desolate they are, though one more than the other.

There is a brief lull in the air as dark blue eyes wanders across a world-famous novel yet sees nothing as he waits for the other blue-green eyes to recollect herself before continuing. She is thankful that he does not comment on the brief crack in her emotionless mask as she prepares to reply with what she intends as a snide comment, because _duh, are you an idiot or something?_ But she stops herself, as she senses something different about this, though she cannot figure out what.

Blue with a dash of green orbs moves from a fashion book in her hands and glances up at her equal-but-not-quite-equal companion sitting on a comfy-looking sofa across from her, separated by a low table in the comfort of their professor's mansion-like house. Her eyes strays onto his laid-back appearance, donning in his teenage form a blue and red patterned button up short sleeve shirt and a pair of dark denim trousers and white socks. He is reading that Holmes book he loves so much; she knows he has read it over a thousand times and also memorised it word for word but still reads it nonetheless.

She herself is still in her child form, wearing a white lab coat over a short sleeve denim dress with a brown belt running around her waist, and knee length white socks. The experimental drug is running smoothly; lasting longer than 24 hours, about 48 hours this time. She will surely find a permanent solution within a few months, she just needs to tweak a few complicated and science-y things (in his words, not hers) in her calculations. She has checked him over (health and blood test and cell test and, again, science-y stuff), now they just need to wait until he turns back into a smaller form he so despises so that she can check him over again before going to kick him out, which is in half a day or so.

She stares at him, and wonders briefly why he is not currently outside or talking with that girlfriend of his in person this time; he does not seem to be excited to be back in his teen form, rare as it is. It has been, by her count, 35 hours and 23 minutes, and yet he is still in no rush to go outside. She considers asking him, but since he did not say anything, she says nothing either.

Still eyes retracted their path to his head, assessing the question he so casually asked her just mere moments ago. Finally noticing the stare, he looks from his book up at her, studying her with piercing scrutiny, but there is the look she has never seen from him before. Confusion must have crossed her face, as his dark blue orbs strays down to the novel and asks.

"Do you _still_ miss her?"

The same question again, but there is something in that very same tone that causes her to pause again. Oh yes, she knows who he is asking about, and he knows that she knows who he is asking about. He does ask her this sometimes in the past, though very rare, but still there. Her eyes glazes over nothing as she thinks of _her_.

"_Ne, Shiho!"_

The memories she still holds onto, like a precious lifeline.

"_Let's go to the clothing store, ne? One just opened up this week, and I heard they sell cute dresses!" _

She remembers every single memory with her precious sister. Even when she was small, so long ago.

"_Don't cry, Shiho! I'll be okay, it's just a small scratch. I'm just so glad you're safe!"_

Even protecting her still, trying to not worry her even as _she_ left a parting sentence one last time, she still holds onto the memory of _her_ selfless smile and playful wink.

"_I'll be perfectly okay!"_

_Liar..._

She stops herself from drowning deeper into the dark sea and refocuses on Kudo and his question. More specifically, his _tone_.

She knows his personality well and can read him like a book most of the time, but there is something in that tone that she can't identify. It sounds like he is asking for more than just that question, like he is asking her to think about it more carefully than ever before. She does not understand why he _is_ asking her especially, but she complies. Of all the regrets she has, her sins, and her wish. If she could have gone back in time and save her sister, she would do it in a heartbeat. An impossible wish, she knows, but still. Akemi was her only family, the only person who saw Haibara for who she was while she was still in the organisation, _her own_ baby sister. After all, she couldn't live without her sister, before she found Kudo and the kids.

And so she answers simply, "Yes." She does, without a doubt. _Every day._ Why would he think otherwise?

She is about to ask but hesitates as his _oh so blue_ eyes connects with hers, as if searching the depths of her soul, seeking something. For what, she isn't sure. Seemingly finding something, he smiles.

"Ne, Haibara?"

Bewildered greenish blue eyes takes in his face and tone, particularly his smile. This was a smile she had never seen plastered onto his face before. It is the smile of relief, sadness, and... resolute?

"Do you believe in miracles?"

She says nothing, her brows knitted in a frown. After all, why would she? She does believe in logistical science, not magic nor miracles nor otherworldly things. But a small part of her rebels against her scientist self, thinking and hoping and _oh if only... _

Just as she can read Kudo like a book, the same can be said of herself. He is quite observant, even more so than herself and _damn it_, she knows that he found her rebellious self in just the scant of a second. Kudo smiles again and continues as if she had said 'yes'.

"What if it's possible? What if she can come back right this second?"

Hope fills her whole soul but she squashes it down before it can destroy her again. She knows hope when she feels it, and it has shattered her heart again and again. Not this time, she can't. So she tries to freeze her heart and expression. But still that small part of herself wants, she very much wants it _oh so badly... _

A hand slides onto her shoulder, momentarily distracting her from the mental heart icing process. She sees herself reflected by the dark blue pupils and stays still. Kudo has moved from the sofa to kneeling in front of her. His eyes still pierces her very soul. He is still smiling that dreadful smile _why are you...? _

"It's okay."

It is spoken so softly she has to strain her ears to hear the words. He is reassuring her, but for what? And why? Before she could ask, his eyes wander to the side behind her. He nods at something, or someone. Suddenly she hears a soft scuffle behind, and a voice speaks softly but more in confusion and awe than anything but she doesn't understand, she can't be hearing _that voice_. That _precious voice_ that she has dreamt of hearing for a long time, the sound she risked herself to calling the number of _her_ safe house at nights just so she could hear _her_ voice, just for a _few seconds_, she swore to Kudo after that certain night. But she is currently not holding a telephone in her hand, and she forced herself to forget _that number _long ago. She can't help herself but to turn around and take in the one person she so long wanted to see again...

"Shiho...?"

Haibara must be dreaming, or having a nightmare, because _she_ can't be there, looking so alive right behind the sofa she is sitting on. Or someone must be playing tricks on her, disguising themselves as her sister just to see her heart break in agony, she is sure. But that person...

So slowly and silently, she stands up and walks around the sofa to that imposter (no, not fake, how can anyone replicate those kind eyes, that nostalgic scent, _howwhatwhy_) and stops just within arms reach. The (not) imposter looks at her and slowly kneels down to be at the same level with her. Haibara slowly raises her hand to touch the shoulder, expecting it to go pass like one would expect a ghost. It didn't. Two same eyes connected, the very same shade of blue with hues of green they inherited from their parents, and she recognises the raw emotions within the other's eyes (_she_ is so easy to read, if she ever tells a lie all Haibara has to do is look at those familiar orbs and _knows_), and she knows now that this is her sister and she wants to hug her so badly but she needs to do one last thing, to confirm that this person is truly her sister. She raises her hand from the shoulder to the cheek, so warm and pulsing like a living person should, she's very much not _dead_...

"Onee-chan...?"

She says it so softly like she is afraid that _she_ would disappear if she spoke even an ounce louder. Akemi, her very own sister whom she could not live without, tilts her head and smiles in a way that is so _Akemi_ and this is truly her sister and _oh my god... _

She suddenly wraps her arms around her precious one so tight and feels the long arms embrace herself in return. She feels hope and joy and she can't hold back the sudden tears welling up and dropping down her cheeks and _shit, she missed her Onee-chan so much she can hardly handle it, how why how how how_ but she doesn't care at this point, she just needs to feel Akemi's warm embrace and that's all she wants to think about.

Dimly, in the corner of her eyes, she sees a boy slipping from behind her to walking outside and doesn't know where the thought comes from but freaks her out a little when she thinks _where the fuck are you going why did you do this explain this right now whydidyou oh no don't you dare, DO__**N'T YOU FUCKING DARE**_ before suddenly changing to a shocking and confusing thought of _who was that what just happened?_ But she doesn't want to think of anything at this moment, she just wants to bask in the warm embrace and that's all she needs right now.

Meanwhile he smiles sadly at the sight of two sisters in an embrace and he's glad it worked and thinks it's time to walk out, so he just walks to the front door. Briefly he stops just before stepping out because he can practically hear Haibara's desperation for him to not leave and to _explain everything_ but still he leaves because he has to.

He just stands in front of the mansion and takes in the sight, seeking to memorise every detail before walking to his own house next door and then walks right up into the library where he's been practically living in since he was young, so obsessed with reading Holmes books that he's lived there more often than his own bedroom. He also takes in all the books, memorising every single one, including the two that inspired the name of his second life. He now limps to his favourite armchair, leaving blood dripping from every step.

He slowly sits down, wincing as he tries to make himself comfortable. Even with the pain in his abdomen, his sad smile never leaves his face. He thinks of all he's experienced in both of his lives, his second life specially. He's experienced so much, both good and bad. He has regrets, but at this moment? He doesn't care. He reminisces.

"_**My hands, like theirs, are already tainted with blood."**_

_The sound of a small body breaking the window and hitting onto the surface before a burning mansion. The sound of a code hidden within a piano still playing within the flames. _

"_**There's only... one truth."**_

_The sound of a heavy breathing laced in throbs of pain from one and a quick breath of shock and awe from another. _

"_**Ne, Hattori. Have you... ever killed someone?"**_

_The sound of agony and desperation from a normally quiet person kneeling on the floor clutching a squared lighter like it is her lifeline, and an additional sound of another burden added unto too small shoulders. _

"_**I'll leave the rest to you... little... detective."**_

_A pained smile echoed through his mind as he looks at the dying lady and at his hands tainted with her blood, as if he's the one who took her life. _

"_**Why didn't you... help my sister...?"**_

_A quivering voice cries out to him, and in essence, to her sister, as if he's already taking her final hopes away and she can't take it anymore and accuses him why wh__**ywhyWHY—**_

He stops himself from delving deeper into his memories and his eyes wanders around his library. He smiles again.

"This is... my punishment..."

He has but a few moments left but he is assured that his loved ones will be okay, he made sure of it. He also knows they, especially Haibara and Akemi, don't like what he's done, but they will not remember. That is the price. He doesn't like it either, but if this was the only way he could redeem himself, he would do it in a heartbeat. He is content.

Tired eyes closes in on itself, head resting on the armchair, body going limp, crimson liquid still dripping down. But the smile still remains. His last thought is of gratitude for the person who made this possible.

Red high heels hidden by crimson ankle length dress steps slowly to Kudo from seemingly nowhere as crimson eyes stares fixedly on him, already sensing the scent of content and gratitude coming off of him. Eyes narrowed in thought and fiery glare.

"Baka."

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_**Did you enjoy this story? Is there anything I can do to improve my writing? If so, please review! They make me so very happy!**_

_**P.S Can you tell who is the person who just appeared at the last scene? :D**_


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